


sad adventures of a horny data entry monkey

by hey_you_with_the_face



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Office, Bucky blogs about Steve's ass, Bucky blogs his frustrations, Coworkers - Freeform, Data Entry Worker Bucky, Data Entry Worker Steve, Fluff, Getting Together, Humor, M/M, Thirsty Bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-13 19:19:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16024301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hey_you_with_the_face/pseuds/hey_you_with_the_face
Summary: Bucky has a crush on his cube-mate Steve but hasn’t ever been able to act smooth enough for long around him to even broach the topic of friendship, let alone finding out if Steve is into dudes. So in order to deal with his frustration with himself (and Steve’s obscenely tight shirts)...Bucky starts a blog.





	sad adventures of a horny data entry monkey

**Author's Note:**

> I...I don't know what happened here....

_Someone tell me when the next sale at Kohls is, because either I need to buy SHC some looser shirts or buy me some replacement pants…._

Bucky quickly types into his phone, glancing up furtively every five seconds to make sure no one can see the telling blue color scheme on his phone, but the tops of his flimsy cubicle walls remain unbreeched. With the eased gained from a depressing amount of practice, Bucky tags his post with his usual tags (#SHC, #Save my pants, #Death by Coworker, #Pecs of my dreams, #Monkey Adventures) before hitting post. Just as he’s hitting post, a noise makes Bucky’s heart jump into his fucking throat. 

More specifically, the sound of Steve Roger’s heavenly voice.

“Hey, Buck! We’re thinking about ordering lunch today, it being Friday and all, you in?” Steve says popping his stupidly attractive face up over their shared cubicle wall. He smiles at Bucky and suddenly Bucky can’t decide if he wants to punch him for being so goddamn perfect or kiss the fuck out of him.

“Uh, yeah, that uh, that sound really good, dude,” Bucky says, trying valiantly to morph his face into something smooth but honestly he would settle for anything resembling human. “Where are we ordering from?”

Steve’s stupid perfect smile gets even bigger which makes Bucky’s stomach flutter in that special way makes him subtly shift so his hips are completely hidden by his desk. “Great! We’re ordering from Joe’s. I was thinking one cheese and one supreme, sound good?”

Having already used his allotted Steve Conversation words for the day, Bucky merely nods, hands over his money, and tries (again) to smile suavely. It apparently isn’t as gruesome as he fears, since Steve continues to smile before he leaves to make the order.

 _Dude?!? Dude?!? What the fuck?!?_ Bucky berates himself as he smacks himself in the forehead in an attempt to beat some sense into his damn moronic brain. _Why can’t I ever talk like a normal goddamn person?!? What am I, twelve?_

The answer to his question is an easy one however, his brain just didn’t operate when it was within ten feet of Steve Rogers.

Ever since the fateful day that the temp agency spit out the modelesque physique that is Steve Rogers, Bucky has been living in a constant hell. Well, maybe not hell but it life was pretty difficult. It’s hard to focus when one’s cube neighbor is just so goddamn distracting with his stupidly handsome face and his ridiculous muscles…

Bucky probably wouldn’t be so bad off if Steve did him the courtesy of being a giant bag of dicks. But noooo, Steve Rogers just _had_ to be a nice guy. Actually Steve was one of the best guys Bucky had ever met and he would climb that tree like no tomorrow if he had the chance but therein lies the problem.

Because Bucky _does not_ date coworkers.

After the Incident with Brock from his last place of employment, Bucky had sworn off dating anyone he worked with. It may seem like a good idea but Bucky didn’t want to live through that special kind of hell again. There is nothing more awkward than having to sit three feet from your ex for at least forty hours a week after a supremely messy breakup. Especially when said ex is a massive shitwad. 

“Pizza’s here!”

Bucky jumps and drops his phone as Clint from three cubes down bolts by, shouting his joy to the world. (Clint _really_ liked pizza Bucky had learned) He snatches his phone up and checks for damage and, seeing none, proceeds to peek up over the side of his cube.

Steve is still standing by the table with the pizza. Bucky sighs and sits back down, going back to scrolling through his phone. There’s no way he’s going to compound his stupidity by going up there to get lunch while Steve is still standing there. He’ll just wait until everyone is done so he can slink up stealthily and pick over the remains like a buzzard or a hyena...or a scavenger that actually sounded badass….

To kill the time, Bucky opens his blogging app and sees he has a message.

_GreenTeaVenti Asked: So like, I loooove your blog man! Seriously all your posts are just too freaking hilarious but I'm sorta kinda new here so I gotta know, what the hell does SHC mean? It’s all over your posts so I probably should know what it means. Keep up the fine work my friend!_

A small smile ticks up the corner of Bucky’s mouth. He hadn’t realized how much he was going to like having people send him messages on his blog but Bucky loves it. To be honest, every day he’s still shocked that ten thousand people want to follow him and hear about his bullshit.

_SHC is an acronym that I use because typing out ‘Smoking Hot Coworker’ as much I do would be to damn much work. Besides, if I’m posting about him, I usually don’t have the mental capacity to type all those extra letters._

Bucky checks for typos and then checks again before tagging and posting. His stomach rumbles and he remembers that he probably should sneak up and get some pizza. He peeks his head up over his cube, sees that the coast is clear, and manages to grab a few slices before retreating to his lair.

He also manages to avoid direct interaction with Steve Rogers for the rest of the day which is equal parts a relief and a bummer.

 

The blog had been the result of a very very bad day and _a lot_ of alcohol.

On that particular day, Bucky had managed to not only get chewed the fuck out by his boss for making a massive error on one of his entry jobs due to being distracted but he’d been granted the singularly embarrassing joy of being torn a new one while the object of his distraction was within earshot. Steve had only been working in Bucky’s department for about three weeks at that point but, thanks to all those stupid muscles and that entirely too charming smile, there had already been a huge impact on Bucky’s work. 

Which meant that day’s ass reaming had been one of many.

That night, after spending an extra two hours crammed into his cubicle undoing all his mistakes, Bucky had gone home and made the executive decision that a pity party was in order. A pity party complete with too much chinese food for one person (or possibly two people) and a bottle of cheap (but not _too_ cheap) birthday cake vodka. There may also have some soda involved to help stretch the bottle of vodka’s life expectancy. 

Four hours into this party, Bucky realized that the entire world needed to know just how much Steve Roger’s perfect ass and Steve Roger’s unfair shoulder to waist ratio tortured him every day.

Four hours and three minutes into this pity party, Bucky was drunkenly fumbling for his phone and looking for a blogging site.

And so Sad Adventures of a Horny Data Entry Monkey was born.

 

_Oh sweet Jesus on a bicycle...he’s wearing a t-shirt *keels over and dies* those...biceps..._

_#SHC #Death by Coworker #Death by T-shirt #fuck! Forgot about causal friday #I’m Dead #Monkey Adventures_

 

Buck still isn’t sure _why_ so many people follow his blog. He supposes there are quite a lot of people online who enjoy a bit of schadenfreude but on his good days, he likes to speculate it’s because he can’t be the only one with an unfairly attractive coworker.

Which is probably a good bet considering how many reblogs he has with the tag #same.

All he knows for sure is that it does seem to help.

When Steve had first started working in his department, Bucky hadn’t been able to look remotely in his direction before the motherfucking butterflies in his stomach tried to dive bomb from his mouth in the form of completely idiotic attempts at casual flirting. Thank the data entry gods that the few times those assholes had made it past it lips were times where Steve had been distracted and missed the drivel that had been born that moment.

But now that he has the blog, whenever those evil bastards try to sabotage him, Bucky just blogs his traitorous thoughts. His followers get to enjoy his suffering and Bucky gets to vent his horny feelings to the netherworld of the internet.

It’s a weird system but...it works 

 

_Send help! SHC was helping me with the Demon System and holy christ on a unicycle he smelled so fucking delicious! I need a moment...or two…_

_#SHC #Death by Coworker #Fuck me sideways #He touched my shoulder #and now when I turn my head #I can still smell that cologne #Repeat After Me Monkey: I will not sniff my own shoulder #I will not sniff my own shoulder… #dammit…_

_Red Alert! Red Alert! SHC drives a motherfucking Harley! This is NOT A DRILL. I repeat. THIS IS NOT A DRILL!_

_#SHC #Death by Coworker #Holy Shit #Now THAT’S in my head #SHC...riding a motorcycle #SHC *straddling*--- #Stop it Brain!! #Oh goooooood...the leather jacket…._

_That snot from HR was at SHC’s desk again today, sticking her boobs in his face...again. But I’m happy to report, SHC seemed unaffected. Not sure if this is confirmation of gay-ness or not but my libido remains optimistic...._

_#SHC #Screw you HR lady #Isn’t that like #Against her HR vows or something? #Back away from the SHC HR lady #That’s *my* eyecandy #Get your own!_

 

Everything is going great. The blog is doing amazing (somehow) and Buck is just about ready to come to terms with is lot in life as a horny blogger when the universe decides to drop a bomb.

The ticking of the clock on the bomb starts when Bucky notices Steve grabbing a box from the supply closet one night.

They are the only two in the office. Bucky is finishing up a few last minute entry jobs that he may or may not have put off in order to converse (awkwardly from his end) with Steve earlier that week over shitty breakroom coffee. He’s not exactly sure why Steve is still there but Bucky is steadfastly attempting to focus on his work and not the way the muscles of Steve’s forearm flex as he…

...starts putting his stuff in a box.

What...the...fuck…Was Steve getting fired?

Bucky tries to spy in as subtle a fashion as he can when the one guy from HR comes over and talks to Steve. He manages to make out something about future endeavours and turning in his badge with the security desk before HR guy turns and walks away. 

Steve picks up his box, leaves his cubicle and, before Bucky can even try to look like he’d been working on the work he was currently supposed to be working on, appears at the opening of Bucky’s cube.

“Uh, hey Bucky,” Steve says, sounding off kilter for the first time since Bucky had met him. “Just wanted to say see ya around.” He shifts awkwardly on his feet and if it wasn’t for the pit opening in Bucky’s stomach, Bucky would be already crafting a post about how adorable it is. “I--uh--I got another job.”

“Since when?” Bucky blurts out, his mouth filter decimated by this news. Steve was freaking leaving the company.

Shifting his box of personal shit to one hip (in a smooth move that had his dress shirt pressing tight against his biceps), Steve smiles a small smile. “A week or so,” he says quietly. “I didn’t want to make a scene. I haven’t been here that long so why make a fuss? I told Clint and Sam goodbye a lunch but since you were busy--”

Busy avoiding Steve like the plague in order to actually get work done and not get distracted.

“--I had to wait until now,” Steve finishes, fidgeting again. He looks oddly nervous and Bucky wonders if his stunned silence is making him seem like he’s angry. Bucky’s well aware that he has a bad case of resting bitch face. “So, I guess, yeah…”

“Yeah,” Bucky repeats softly. 

The weight of Steve leaving is settling in, pressing down on his as he realizes that, while Steve drove him crazy on a regular basis, he was going to miss him. He’d actually gotten used to having Steve as a coworker even if he’d had to start a blog to deal with his sexual frustration. He’d actually been coming to terms with the fact he couldn’t date his---

Wait…

Steve was leaving the company…

Steve wouldn’t be sitting three feet away anymore…

Steve wasn’t going to be his coworker…

“Do you want to go out sometime?!?” Bucky exclaims like a goddamned lunatic at the same time Steve stutters out, “I wanted to see if you would want to go out for a drink--”

The silence in the deserted office is deafening as they both gape at each other. To his surprise, Bucky is the one to recover first.

“You really want to go out with _me_?” Bucky asks incredulously, still not quite able to believe his ears. “But you could have, like, anybody!”

This causes Steve’s brows to furrow. “Why wouldn’t I want to go on a date with you?” he counters, completely serious. “You’re a really nice guy and I would’ve asked way sooner but I kinda have this thing about dating where I work--”

“Me too!” Bucky can’t help but shout before realizing what a moron he sounds like. He feels his face light up with a blush but Steve only smiles even brighter. (And somehow looks more handsome, the bastard)

“How about we go and get a bite to eat and see what else we have in common?” Steve asks, nodding his head towards the door. He even throws in a roguish smirk that, to use a phrase Bucky would deny ever thinking, had Bucky’s nethers all a quiver.

Bucky’s never shut down his computer faster in his life.

 

Six Months Later

“Wow, you really had it bad for me, didn’t you?”

Bucky scowls over the top of his laptop where he’s setting up a post but he knows deep down he brought this on himself. “I still have it bad for you, you little jerk,” he says haughtily, returning to his screen. “I was just extremely pent up back then no thanks to you.”

Steve smirks at him from the other end of the couch and taps Bucky’s side with a socked foot. “I’ll say, some of these are pretty darn racy, Buck. _‘Somedays I can’t decide whether I want to suffocate SHC with my thighs or be suffocated by his...it’s the tough decisions that keep me up a night…_ ’” 

Bucky snorts. He remembers that one. Steve had worn an unbelievably tight pair of dark grey slacks that day and they’d had a meeting where in Bucky had gotten to stare at the fabric strain over those gorgeous muscles when Steve crossed his legs.

He and Steve had been dating for three months before Bucky had drunkenly admitted to his deep dark blog secret. Steve had of course begged to see it and ever since, he’d been teasing Bucky mercilessly now that he new of its existence.

“Your wardrobe was very inspiring, I have no regrets,” Bucky replies, jabbing back at him from under the blanket Steve had thrown over them. “You obviously haven’t gotten to the point where you started changing into workout clothes before leaving the office.”

“Oh, you mean when you wanted to ‘ _volunteer to be SHC’s towel at the gym_ ’?” Steve offers, looking down at his phone. He frowns and tuts. “I’m just not sure if physics were with you on that one though I do like the assumption that I ‘ _probably make the whole gym weep and angels sing_ ’ when I do my squats. I really appreciate the praise, glutes like these don’t come easy.”

Rolling his eyes, Bucky shuts the lid on his laptop. “Yuk it up, big guy but I’ll have you know that I’m internet famous for that blog and it helped keep me sane when you were running around being all freaking handsome as fuck and untouchable.”

This has Steve gasping dramatically. “I’m dating an internet star?!?” He clutches at his chest with both hands and pulls the most ridiculously fawning expression before grabbing for something on the end table. “Oh Mr. Barnes, I’m your biggest fan. Can I get an autograph?”

He holds out a sharpie and waggles his eyebrows. “I don’t have any paper but I do have something special you can sign. I’ve worked really really hard to prepare it for just such an occasion.”

Bucky is a strong man but even he wasn’t able to withstand the power of Steve Roger’s pouty lips and the implication he is going to get to sign his boyfriend’s ass. 

Snatching the sharpie from Steve’s grip he grins. “Who should I make this out to, sweetheart?”

 

 

_Smoking Hot Boyfriend here! I know Data Monkey promised you guys a live blogging of our movie night tonight but it appears that I have tired him out a bit. I’ll make sure he makes it up to you later. Have a great night! I know I am ;)_

_#SHB takeover #DM is a bit tuckered out #but he’ll be back tomorrow #maybe ;)_

**Author's Note:**

> Since I haven't mentioned it in a while come nerd out with me on tumblr if you want, I'm blue-reveries


End file.
